PHONEY WAR

CELEBRATING THE WINTER SOLSTICE

Today Wendy made a display for the winter solstice. She placed candles and flowers; ivy and stars and shells in front to the fireplace , oranges with cloves in them and a garland of tiny bits of orange peel and rosemary. In the kitchen she had rearranged the furniture in preparation for when our telly is put on the wall and we start to use the room properly; a second place to sit and relax in, now that the children are older and may want room to be with their friends; apart from us.

Upstairs I organised letters to my nephews and nieces on my sister’s side (the ones to my brother’s children will have to wait another day as I have run out of time!) I wrote cards and addressed envelopes for a Christmas letter that will now arrive late.

My sister is not doing Christmas this year or at least not presents, she is more into eating and singing and making a donation to charity. My mum is not in the mood for Christmas either, she is quite ill and doesn’t really have time for presents and the like but will be going up to my brother soon for a few days.

And us. This morning we talked about how it might be nice to be pagans, liked some of the things they say, in an unformed, pretty ignorant way. I asked Wendy if she wanted to be a witch and she asked me if I wanted her to be a witch and we giggled and talked of when we had irritated James when we repeatedly told him he was a wizard some time ago. Neither of us are particularly caught on religion, in fact I am an atheist while Wendy is wiser and less certain. I remember she liked some of the elements of Shinto when we were in Japan but again, we both only have a sketchy understanding of that.

It is maybe an insult to the those who have modeled their life around faith and religion, for whom morality and ethics come from that source, to see words here where I treat it with a light touch but for me it is easier.

I do not like my atheism which so often seems like faith in nothing much at all and my so called delusions that I am a devil and destroying the world terrify me and are kept as far in the back of my mind as possible. It is far, far, easier to joke about them, though I don’t even do that often.

I would like to take a leap into humanism but I doubt autonomy and I doubt reason and I value disabled people in the current assisted dying debate. I can see it falling into some of the areas I know religion has in the past and all too current present.

And so today; casually celebrating the turning of the year with lights and cleaning and a final food shop; with tidying the house and reaching out to friends and relatives. It seemed fun and bright. We were kind to ourselves and ignored the increasingly dark and bitter world we live in.

We went for a family walk too. Up to the ‘cobbled walk’ as we call it. A cold day, a dark day but some blue sky. James resisted coming out to the last minute but cheered up as we wandered along. Louie got ready quickly and decided to wear my huge red jacket which touched me in some way; made me smile. She didn’t enjoy the walk so much and I am not sure why. Both children would have preferred not to be wandering along with us; the adults, and Dash and Buddy the dogs. I remember I tended to sulk on my walks with my parents and hope the children, like me, will one day remember such times with affection.

My world is a secure one. I have a job with a permanent contract. I live in a house whose mortgage we have paid off. We feel steady enough for Wendy to consider another year not working; knowing she could probably get a job pretty easily if she needed to. We live in a country where we have no costs for health care which, with my mental illness is a huge relief. The children get a good education, courtesy of the state and have not yet been damaged by the world. If I lose my job I will get support from the state. We have friends and family and can afford to heat our houses and to get food deliveries from Morrison’s and when James is driving us to desperation with his finicky food choices; to buy in a McDonald’s. I have an over 60’s bus pass for free travel and if I had been organised enough could have got a disabled one again five years ago when I lost my original one.

And yet despite this huge privilege and great good fortune, I worry about the world I live in and I worry even more about the world our children will be living in. I cannot imagine how much other people across the world worry; those who already live in fascist states, those who live under dictatorship and authoritarianism. Those who cannot see a future or believe they will have a meal at the end of the day. Those who are hated for any of the myriad reasons we now choose to hate each other.

I live under the restriction of compulsory treatment. I have a diagnosis of schizophrenia which even in this country carries a shame and a burden that is hard to acknowledge but despite that I will have fresh coffee tomorrow, and the coffee container is full of grounds with another large packet waiting for when that runs out. I popped into a Thai supermarket two days ago and bought chilli garlic sauce on a whim. I bought someone a coffee and didn’t worry. I realised, this morning, that my expenses receipts have probably ended up in the rubbish and this is not a disaster.

And so yes. Today is the longest night with the shortest daylight and tomorrow the light will last a bit longer and then a bit longer and in the summer I dare to think we will yet again be able to say we should really get out more in the evenings while the light makes the day bright and the dark seems far away, just for the moment. When the seasons turn again and the dark gathers once more, maybe I will worry, but for the moment my life is better than I dreamed it would be; things can and will go wrong but just now, in my part of the world, in my tiny village, in my small country, I am content, in my way. The world hasn’t quite fallen apart yet; not here.

To learn more about my life and life with a mental illness do read my memoirs START and Blackbird Singing. Available from Geilston Press. Best got from Amazon at the moment.