THE JOY OF DOING VERY LITTLE

AN EVENING WITH THE FAMILY – WANTING NOTHING MORE THAN THIS.

I bought Louie caramel ice cream; posh ice cream from the co-op on the way home from school to go with the remains of our old tub of Mackays. It was on offer which pleased me. I also bought James Sweet Thai Chilli Sensations crisps from Morisson’s which were not on offer, which didn’t please me but knowing he would love them was pretty good.

I had hay in the car for the rabbits and a phone charger to help me navigate to Dalmeny on Wednesday; some bags of shopping for Wendy while I am away and some shopping to take away when I go away. I also had some treats in the car for Dash the dog.

The children, especially Louie, can struggle with school but it looked like today had been ok. When I asked James about it he said ‘Fine’ and when I asked Louie about it she said ‘Bum’ which meant it had been pretty much ok.

At home while I emptied the car slowly and slightly crossly because no one offered to help; the children piled into the sitting room where Wendy was. They climbed on Wendy like they were still toddlers, while she asked them to look out for her painful neck.

They both had report cards, both of which were good. But Louie doesn’t make much of an effort for PE and James doesn’t do much for RE though he disputes that and says he does make an effort.

We know Louie really, really, dislikes PE and this morning were giving her permission to bunk off with her friends, while knowing she is so well behaved she might never bring herself to do so.

James kept his report card from Wendy’s eyes for ages saying it was his and that she had no right to see it. She did see it but only after protracted arguing.

I can’t remember what sent Louie up to her room, all the while swearing at her mum, but it was one of those sweary times when we all knew she was in a good mood; sort of cursing with a grin. By then James was busy shouting in his room with all his online gaming friends.

With the children in their rooms Wendy decided she needed a rest too so I put the potatoes on to par boil before roasting them. This tea is a favourite of the children; roast potatoes and parsnips, stuffing, carrots and peas and gravy, Yorkshire puddings for James and sliced beef heated up for Wendy and James with veggie burgers for Louie. Not quite a real Sunday roast but our version.

I had my saag paneer and aloo gobi to heat up alongside my naan and rice.

I must admit I felt virtuous feeding the rabbits and emptying the kitchen of rubbish and putting the dishes away.

Tea eaten; Wendy teased Louie about a cinema trip she will be making some weeks in the future to see a Japanese pop star. Louie responded by launching herself at Wendy who said jokingly, yet again, that she needed to stop it to avoid harming her neck and then more seriously, until I intervened. Louie then said I always take her mum’s side and stomped upstairs again in a huff that was not a huff while saying Wendy couldn’t have any of her ice-cream.

We had already grumbled about the awful programs on channel 5. Wendy had grumbled about being made the program we all want to watch finder. In the end we vaguely watched nothing much.

I scrolled and drank whisky. Wendy showed me a facebook page she had made for Louie’s art work which Louie doesn’t want. Wendy scrolled too and sent me a recipe for oyster mushrooms and tofu to stop me watching Jamie Oliver on the telly.

The children rushed downstairs again yelling at each other in angry, happy, voices and tangled themselves in Wendy yet again. I tried and failed to be stern. James decided to go back upstairs and panicked when I pretended to give him a hug.

Louie and Wendy had more ice-cream. I phoned my mum and had raspberries. I took Dash out for his night time wee; had a shower and promised myself to unblock the sink and bath drains with our noxious plug un-blocker. We watched more telly.

I hugged Louie good night and kissed Wendy goodnight (Who was in the middle of making lewd comments about the oat, date and chocolate balls Jamie Oliver had been making.)

In my kitchen bed I did my usual guilty feeling posts on social media which I just do every night for no reason I can fully understand and now, after a sudden kerfuffle of I don’t know what with the family but it involved laughter and tiny screams; the house is silent.

We did pretty much nothing at all this evening apart from eat ice cream, watch telly argue and swear (not that I do any of the swearing) and I loved every moment.

Somehow the house is full of love just now and safety and laughter and the occasional argument, and a bit of rudeness. None of us were productive, none of us thought of being productive. None of us did anything useful or cultural or arty and none of us thought to do anything. (Though Louie may have done some art when she was in her room) We didn’t talk of politics or morality or ethics or books or anything like that, Wendy said the Makay’s Ice cream was now too creamy and got told off when she tried to play that Japanese pop singer’s music. I promised to send some money to my niece as a wedding present and forgot to, so will do tomorrow instead.

Now, in bed, I remember some of my sadness from earlier in the day; that cold fatty lump of a harried heart that I wish would warm up and that icy anxiety that feels like sharp stinky poison in my body but all I do is remember it, it doesn’t flood back with a hammering of thoughts I can’t escape. I will have weird dreams again as I do every night now but I won’t wake up sweating with my heart thumping in my chest.

Instead, the radio is on, as is the dishwasher, I can hear rain on the roof and I am almost smiling.

Once there was a time when I didn’t feel safe at night. I didn’t know what would happen and if I would wake to the vicious silent, menacing, presence of someone who professed to love me, sitting unwelcome in the dark of my room, staring at me; I couldn’t even guarantee what bed I would sleep in or if I would have a bed to sleep in.

Those days are gone and arguments nowadays are safe ones where we know we will not harm each other and know we love each other and if there is the slightest tinge of anger, know it will have vanished in minutes and that feels very good indeed.

Do wander off to Amazon to find out about life with schizophrenia, in hospital, in love and by the sea – START and Blackbird Singing are what you want! – by Geilston Press.

By the way - these posts tend to be at least a week out of date but i am not sure that really matters.