THREE WALKS

MOMENTS OF BLISS. A WONDERFUL ESCAPE

I do a lot of walking but usually only short walks, maybe for an hour at most. Most often I walk alone; well I have Dash with me and I do talk to him as I walk but though we call him HumDog he isn’t really human, the conversation is not that rewarding even for someone as taciturn as me. I would like to say my walks are sources of wellbeing for me, springs from which I relax and smell the sea or the gorse, or the mud of the shore; where I fall into that essence we sometimes get when we are maybe not at one but maybe content and relaxed.

Unfortunately some walks are the opposite, they are places my thoughts rage at me and I forget all about the birds or the seals on the rocks and instead enact conversations and worries and arguments and end the walk out of sorts, out of the peace that the wind in my hair and the rain on my face can give me.

However In the last wee while we have done three walks that I have loved that I want to tell you about.

ARDMORE WITH THE DOGS.

Last Saturday we heard from Sharon, Peters wife, (Peter is Wendy’s brother) asking if we wanted to meet up at Ardmore Point. Seemed a good idea, even if the children might grump but by the time we had replied to Sharon , Louie had been invited out on a picnic with her friends and without Louie then James would be sure to refuse to go.

I had just got in from walking Dash down by Dumbarton Rock and Louie came downstairs, which is unheard of mid-morning on a Saturday. I was busy making them breakfast; bacon for James and Muesli for Louie but she was in too much of a hurry for that. Being Louie and fourteen it is sometimes difficult to work out what she wants from us. But after a bit of quizzing and realising that she had been sending me messages on what’s app, the last one of which said “If you don’t reply I will turn into cheese dust!” I found out that she was wanting a lift up to her friends and that she was meant to be bringing food, or a game or something else.

I offered to take her to the Co-op but she refused and I offered to give her some money just in case, but she refused that and then we were on our five minute journey with a stack of paper plates as her offering. During the journey, she confessed, that although she had said she could make her own way there, she would have taken ages because she would have got lost a few times. Louie even gets lost going from class to class at school.

Once she was gone and Wendy was back and James confirmed he had eaten his breakfast rather than giving it to the dogs and also confirmed there was no way he was coming on our walk, we set off to Ardmore.

It had been raining in the morning but by now it had died down, not before we had wondered how Louie’s picnic in the rain would go.

The tide was in at Ardmore; right in, pushing mounds of seaweed to the very top of the beach. A slow dark tangle of algae. Sharon and Peter were late as usual which was fine, so we went to wander with Buddie, the children’s dad’s dog, who was staying with us and with Dash the dog. I enjoyed our wander, though there were mounds and mounds of water hemlock which is very dangerous to dogs. Dash has no interest in it but we were unsure about Buddie who, for the moment, was bouncing in and out the water. Just as we said he didn’t seem to notice it, he did indeed see a clump of the tubers floating in the water, which he lunged for. Luckily he is a very well behaved dog and a quick shout made him abandon his attempt to poison himself.

Peter and Sharon arrived with the children; Sophie and Lewis and the two whippets; Bella and Gino, who are still puppies. The dogs were wrapped up in jackets and managed to get tangled in the leads as we took our dogs to meet them.

And our walk? not much to say really: a perfect walk. The sun came out, we ambled round the path with Wendy and Sharon talking none stop and Sophie and Lewis sometimes at the front and sometimes at the back with their dogs in tow. Dash remained on the lead all the time, Buddie was off the lead for most of the time. He never strayed far but was in a delighted and exuberant mood.

There was something perfect about it; blue sky, some small clouds, a slight breeze; so warm it felt like the first day of spring and all six humans and four dogs just slowly wandering with delight in our hearts. I kept on putting Buddie back on the lead when other people or dogs came near us. Peter, let the whippets off occasionally and they rushed in huge, very fast circles. Dash did not try to hump Bella, which was a relief. There was a load of laughter but not wild laughter. We paused to look at frogspawn. We found a sitting place by the beach in the sun where Lewis climbed on the rocks and got called back each time he went out of sight and shouted on when he sat beside steep drops. I looked at the crocus flowers. The dogs stood on the crocus flowers.

There was an argument when us men said we should not let the dogs off the lead from where we were sitting, as they would bother the mountain biker who was sitting alone further along. Sharon ignored us and was initially delighted that the dogs were having a lovely time dashing around until Bella or Gino tried to take the mans bobble hat off his head. This of course pleased us men, who were able to say that that had been predictable.

I have no idea what people talked about. As I said I am the taciturn one and spent most of my time in front of everyone being busy about nothing; only occasionally talking to people. Wendy asked me if I was ok a few times, probably because of that silence of mine.

But I was in bliss; in the midst of family on a lovely day, no arguments in my head, just the sight of us taking twice as long as almost everyone else to complete our walk and very happy indeed with that.

When we got back, we could hear James upstairs playing on line with his friends. Later Louie phoned to be picked up. She was delighted with the world. Covered in mud after wandering into the woods where she and her friends had made soup on a fire and then ventured into the ruins of St Peters seminary, all excited at the danger and at the older groups of children who were busy smoking weed.

THE COBBLEDY WALK WITH THE CHILDREN AND THE DOGS

Then Sunday arrived and us adults made the firm decision to get the children off their screens.

This was easier said than done. I got sent up after Wendy’s effort failed. They laugh at the assumption that I am more frightening than Wendy and therefore more likely to do as they are told by me and this time paid no attention at all to me. James in his jammies playing on the computer with no intention of stopping; Louie on her bed cuddled up in her downie; doing things with her phone, likewise, seemingly determined to stay where she was.

I was in a foul mood. As I had spent the morning looking unsuccessfully for my Kindle, getting more and more fed up that it really wasn’t anywhere where I could have left it. Now I think about it that wasn’t the reason I was in a bad mood but it is what I assumed was the reason at the time.

I was also in a bad mood because my right arm is very sore just now and I think I agree with Wendy that this is because I have been spending so many years scrolling on my phone and now my muscles or tendons or ligaments are protesting. I had been elected to take Buddie who is awful on the lead but Wendy already had a sore back from taking both dogs out on her own earlier in the week, so I could hardly complain.

By the time we were walking up the eastern side of Geilston Gardens I was less grumpy but still pretty miserable. Louie kept on catching up with me to try and talk with me or link her arm in mine but in moods like this I have little to say and I assume, give off an air of, ‘leave me alone.’

I had had Buddie on the lead all the time because although the road is quiet there are still some cars that pass by but eventually the children persuaded us that he would be fine off the lead.

And he was. He bumbled along besides us, paused to look at the sheep in the field the other side of the hedge, sniffed at pretty much everything, just as Dash the dog was doing and came to me each time I called him when we heard cars on the road. Completely different to Dash who pays no attention to us when he is free to roam.

By the time we got to the split in the road I was cheering up and quite pleased when Wendy asked if we could do the longer route up to Darlieth House. There was a tree in blossom and masses of daffodils about to flower. Louie, having given up on me had been walking besides James, with both of them nattering away which is always a joy to see. The horses in the field ignored us when we called on them and the sheep further up also ignored us even though Buddie could have squeezed through the fence and seemed inclined to. In the woods Wendy saw a big animal amongst the sheep which we assumed must have been a deer. We passed cottages which I looked at enviously.

James protested at the extra time our journey was taking, said he wanted to be home gaming and couldn’t believe it when we said we would just go up to the hill in front of us. At first he thought we meant the top of the hills that spanned the horizon but even when we said it was just the top of the road he was still incredulous that we could subject him to this.

Buddie made occasional sorties to get into the river and I kept calling him back to the children’s displeasure but as the sheep were on the other side of it I persisted.

We reached the turning to Darleith house and Wendy declared that we should walk up the drive to see it, as it had had lots of work done on it and was interesting. The children immediately refused and sat down on the road. I accompanied Wendy for a while, all the while saying it was private property. Eventually Wendy gave up in exasperation and we turned for home via the cobbeldy road.

Here Dash the dog finally got off the lead much to the children’s alarm and had a wonderful time wandering, occasionally rushing back to us with a joy in his running when we called on him but mainly doing his own thing.

By the time we crossed the bridge by the burn we had resumed our usual configuration. James and Wendy at the back wittering away and giggling. Louie and me in the front, also wittering but not quite so much.

We spoke to a few dog walkers, I pointed out the hollow tree to Louie. We looked at the tiny catholic church which we think is now closed, I took photos of the remains of the clumps of snowdrops. Louie began to ask how long it would be before we were home and groaned at the news in a similar way to James.

We passed Geilston with its steep drop to the river where Wendy worried that Buddie would leap needlessly over the cliff edge and the children scoffed.

Back in the village we met a woman and her child who talked about Buddie who was straining on his lead to say hello while Louie marched ahead as fast as she could. When I asked her what was wrong she told me she was embarrassed as they were not talking about Buddie the dog but her as she had been a Buddy to the child when they were both on primary school and she had been too socially awkward to interact with the child then and was now even more embarrassed to be reminded that she had failed at her assigned task.

Later as we got nearer home she held my hand while we wandered. We could hear Wendy and James laughing together behind us. I am delighted that fourteen year old Louie still wants to hold my hand occasionally just as Wendy is delighted when fourteen year old James wants to hold her hand. They will soon be independent completely and already don’t want to be seen in our company when they are near the High school but we can treasure these moments for a while yet.

At home my grump was gone. I looked for my kindle again but it was nowhere to be seen and despite that I remained happy with life. Remembering the long road, the rolling green fields and the plants and trees with the first buds of spring and the company of my family who put up with my silence graciously and let me come back to myself in my own time.

Peaton woods nature reserve

I woke at 2.45 am on Wednesday and didn’t really sleep at all in the remaining hours of the night and as I lay there I realised my present irritability and grumpiness had no cause that I could blame on anyone. It was no ones fault at all. Instead it was the last week of getting almost no sleep in the night.

In the past when I have got into this state, hospital has been not far away but now, although everyday I had been waking with a sadness in me that made me feel like I was crying inside, I knew that eventually sleep would return and my sadness diminish. Just the realisation that this was the illness or whatever it is or was the after effects of my recent meetings with the psychologist or maybe as simple as doing far too much work recently, it soothed me a little.

Like I did on Tuesday I went back to bed after getting Wendy her breakfast and upstairs in the dark and silence and comfort of the room I relaxed, didn’t sleep but relaxed.

I was due a long walk with Dash in preparation for the Kiltwalk later in the year and in a moment of spontaneity decided to go to the path above Peaton’s nature reserve at Roseneath.

Dash was not pleased initially as he had wanted out ages ago and particularly wanted to go back to Ardmore.

However, when we got to the car park at the reserve he looked delighted. It is strange living almost next to a nuclear submarine base, knowing in the event of a war we might be incinerated without even realising it. I mainly ignore it and sometimes look at the peace camp and wonder if I could dare go into it and talk to people, remembering that my sisters partner lived there for some time many years ago.

My stomach was still hollow with an unnamed grief as we set off for the hill above the reserve but it was the ideal day for a walk in the mood I was in. The sky was grey, the wind was high, making the fir trees roar with the force of it, there was a hint of spray and rain and no one at all about.

I walked and thrilled with the wind and the isolation and the easy path. Some would say this is a boring walk, a long forestry road winding along the top of the peninsular surrounded by fir plantation but I always love it when I go to it.

On either side of the path was cotton grass and moss and ferns and masses and masses of water trickling off the hill and, though the trees are the same to me, they have beauty to them as did the clay of the path and the grey muddy puddles and the correspondingly grey sky and hills.

I went for a shorter walk than I intended as I needed to get back for my jag and being me, I always arrive early for such things.

As I got towards the top of the first hill I remembered the side path that went to the very top where the picnic tables are and initially thought I would get too out of breath if I climbed it but pretty soon found myself trudging over peat and mud and rocks to the tables where the wind was so much stronger.

Dash and me stayed there a while, looking down on Loch Long and along the Firth of Clyde to Dunoon which had the tiniest glimmer of sunshine about it.

Sitting on the damp seat I knew this was just what I wanted to do. Exercise, isolation, Dash the dog to talk to and a wild day to settle my mood.

Walking back to the car, I slowed down and looked at the pools and streams more closely. There was so much frogspawn, mounds and mounds of it. I didn’t know the world could have so many frogs!

I ate my cheese sandwich in the car; vey pleased that I had gone to the effort to make one but I ate it too quickly and got painful hiccups.

Then off to Cove park the arts centre where I wanted to book into a book launch but really just wanted to say hello as I love the place. However, there were only two people I didn’t know when I walked in and though they said hello kindly I was too shy to ask if they were staff so I wandered around a bit before awkwardly leaving.

With time to spare, I returned to Helensburgh to the Bridge project which is a church hall that apparently anyone is welcome to use. I didn’t know it was such a thriving community place and sat in peace writing, while people came and went. I felt a slight fraud as I am an atheist and when I am not being an atheist, think I am really not the sort of person that should be in a place of faith.

Got my jag, it didn’t hurt, the nurse was cheerful and said they might have more staff soon and wished me on my way. I managed for the first time to mention my sleep to her. I never ever talk about so called symptoms to them so maybe, after all these years I am beginning to trust them a little.

And finally, in the evening off to Glasgow with Wendy for a meal out with a voucher her brother and sister in law had given us for Christmas. That was wonderful.

I slept much better last night, a restless sleep with an anxious wakening but much better than the last week. It is almost always like that when this happens. When I can finally admit to myself and to Wendy that life is not good and I might need to take some time off, life tends to get a bit better again.

And now it is a week later. I slept for nine hours last night and spent the morning with Jeans Bothy at Rhu Church looking at the flowers in the graveyard and walking along Rhu Spit. I am not so tired now. I am not crying inside. I am looking forward to another walk when Wendy gets up. We are going to go out wandering as the sun begins to set and after that we will cuddle in and watch a film in celebration of International Women’s day.

If you ever want to read more about my life my thoughts and my opinions do have a look for my memoirs START and Blackbird Singing. They are now available as kindle editions too – which makes them a bit cheaper.